I can't exactly say that I feel completely released from the anxiety I've felt, now that it's all over -- I suppose I was secretly expecting the world to suddenly be made right after one conversation. But the reality is, life is hard sometimes and brings you circumstances that force you to make a choice about who you want to be. Regardless of how people view you or what they think or how the situation turns out. I'm learning to be me in all aspects of my life, whether I'm understood, accepted, validated or not. And I've gotta say, it's damn hard sometimes.
But isn't it like God to encourage and validate us, nevertheless? He did that this afternoon through one of the kindergarteners I work with. We were driving in the car, both kids in the backseat, when the little guy pulled out a book that was lying on the seat next to him. I think it's an old commentary on the book of Habakkuk (don't ask me how it got there). He began to read it, all matter-of-fact-and-professor-like, and this is what he said:
"Molly Jones* and Rachel Parker* and Lucas Cooper* and Alisha 'Kay, we have all entered into God's life...God is powerful and He is reading our life."
Yup. That's what he actually said. A five-year old who, to my understanding, has no extrinsic knowledge about the good Lord above. I don't know about you, but I was floored when I heard those words come from his tiny (yet often remarkably loud) mouth. Tears pooled in my eyes and I suddenly realized that Jesus was speaking to me through this little boy, reminding me that we are in Him and He in us. So interconnected it's impossible for our feeble, earth-bound minds to understand. When life is hard and complicated and unjust, we are invited to walk with Him, and when we fight for answers, for rest, for peace and comfort, He knows our story and writes us right through it.
So yes, today was a hard day, but I'm comforted by the fact that He is with me, and sometimes, that just has to be enough.
*names changed to protect the kidlets' confidentiality :)